Sta.sh
"Steal The Heart, Free The Monster"
Hello! Oh! What's that? Oh I already knew I'm not always kind. I know I've lost my temper. Usually The Stare just comes and even a cockatrice can't resist. I don't like it, but I know I sometimes need it. The time at the Gala? I scared -me- that time! Can we, can we please not talk about that?
I still remember when I thought taking care of fillies would be the same as taking care of animals. I was so wrong and I'm not afraid to admit it.
Yes I was a model once, yes I know I could have used my fame for good causes, but I couldn't stand no privacy and being treated like a dress up doll. If I knew how Rarity really felt I'd have quit a lot sooner!
I also effectively kidnapped Celestia's pet bird wanting to nurse her back to health with no clue what kind of animal she really was and no idea she was a phoenix. Er, Philomena, not the Princess.
I fully admit those were my mistakes and no one else's. I'm glad that no one blames me for the parasprite disaster since I was kinda responsible for the whole thing.
Yes I DO love taking care of animals! It's what I live for! But it's not really just animals. They're just the ones who end up needing me the most often. I can't stand to see any living thing suffer. In particular my bunny friend Angel. There are times when my friends joke on who is taking care of who. I just smile and nod, I wonder sometimes too.
Angel and all the animals turn strange. A summons from the Princess.
Elements of Harmony Stolen. Into The Maze. MY WINGS! I TAKE BACK EVERY WISH I EVER MADE ABOUT WANTING TO BE AN EARTH PONY! I never thought I'd miss my wings so badly if they were gone . . .
Separated from the others. So Afraid. Butterflies! Not so scared now. The butterflies speak.
My friends would never abandon me. Not now. Not ever. Even when I was too terrified to move to face a dragon they didn't do the easy thing and discard me!
I know I'm 'weak and helpless' I don't -want- that kind of strength and I want to be a healer not a warrior! I know you can't always avoid fighting and those who do fight at those times are never really given a big choice, but I want to do my part healing others after the fighting's done and during the fighting!
I already know I'm not perfect and never will be, and if it's my -friends- saying where I come up short, then I know I can trust what they have to say and I can try to improve myself the right way!
DISCORD! And he's angry! Before he was acting like Pinkie Pie, but now it's like looking Gilda in the eyes again a hundred times over. I'd run if I thought it could do any good.
He just taps me on the head, but it feels like a fist though my brain! World spin the discord make. Jumbled are up thoughts. Wrong feelings feel! Thinks Ditzy Doo Wonder If I This How?
Things less jumbled, but more murky.
Iiiii, feeeeel, soooo, dizzzz-sey . . .
I hear Discord from somewhere.
'Time to be cruel?' That's the -opposite- of everything I've wanted to be! Why would I be that?
I think of Angel, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, all my friends, and I'm having trouble remembering what's important about them. Something's being taken! A thing of warmness turning to mist and falling apart in my hooves even as I try to hold it and figure out what it is. I can't find it. I feel empty.
And I feel something I've never felt before rushing in like water into a pit to fill the hole.
This feeling, its not anger, that's like fire inside. It's not fear, fear is like a snake coiling around me. This feeling, it's like ice. There's a calmness to it. A detachment. Like a protective wall of glass. Like what's going on with the others is something on a movie screen that has no real value to me, because it isn't directly effecting me.
I hear Twilight's voice. I snap back to reality.
I feel like something is missing. Oh well, couldn't have been that important if I can't figure out what. Took long enough for miss Goth Pony to finally get here.
I listen to Twilight bellyache about something or other. I don't have time for this, I give miss 'Mary Sue fix everything with magic I'm worthless without it' both barrels (whatever that means). Then I give her a quick tail to the face just for good measure to let her know I'm not in the mood to hear her whine. That shuts her up good. Good.
Pinkie Pie is in my way, I move her out my way. Applejack laughs. I don't care. Why should I? I take the lead. No one stops me. I can't believe I never have before. It feels so natural.
We march in silence. I remember earlier today. I can't believe I didn't laugh when I saw how all the animals grew giant legs. I can't believe I didn't tell Celestia what a lousy Princess she was for not keeping the Elements safe! I can't believe I just agreed to risk my hide for her rather than telling Princess-Queen-Does-Nothing to go get her property herself! I remember every time I've just smiled and nodded, like someone's doll. It's like these memories belong to a different pony, but I know it's me. Well THIS version of me is disgusted with THAT version of me!
The world is cruel, be unto the world as it is unto you. Living for others just turns you into a giant-sized hoofmat. Be selfish otherwise you're nothing. A person who lives only for others is just an empty shell, a puppet! And I'm no one's puppet!
To embody kindness is to be a stepping stone, to embody cruelty, is to be the stepper.
I've been kind for far too long, it's time to be cruel.
-FlutterCruel
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First off, I think this story is very concise. Perhaps a little too concise. It's particularly noticeable in the beginning, where it just jumps right into dialogue that's pretty jarring; it almost throws the story in your face. Past the first few paragraphs, though, it thankfully settles down into a nice in-character monologue.
The stylistic decision to jumble the words while Discord's messing with Fluttershy isn't necessarily a bad one, but it doesn't flow all that well with the previous sentences; it would probably look a bit cleaner if they got their own paragraph(s), and tightening the connection between the confusion and the growing malevolence would increase the effect.
Generally, the transition from Fluttershy to Fluttercruel isn't quite what I had hoped; it felt less like a hostile takeover and more like a reluctant turnaround. This is all subjective, but I think the loss of compassion is glossed over, and I don't think Fluttershy was established enough in the introduction to really convey the complete corruption Discord made of her personality.
The ending was pretty well-done; Fluttershy's behavior while Discorded is arguably the hardest to justify out of the six, and I think you managed it effectively enough without it necessarily becoming OOC; "Putting Your Hoof Down" pretty much supports all of Fluttercruel's thought processes here.
In short, it could use a bit of expansion beforehand, and I'd really like to see more Pathos mixed in with the Logos this story amply provides. The meat of the story's there, and it's good; all it needs is a bit of seasoning.
What does that have to do with this? Well, for this story, what Discord actually did is explored further: Rather than simply tap her and brainwash, he essentially rips from her all compassion...leaving behind cold detachment, and bending her mind into a completely new shape, practically fitting a round peg into a square hole, so to speak. The author conveys the confusion and feeling perfectly, and somehow manages to combine feelings of horror and despair with feelings of triumph and rage and freedom...that is, as we feel horror and despair that our hero has been turned so, "Fluttershy" feels liberated now that she is no longer kind, and her disgust at who she was guides her actions towards who she will be...I only hope this nightmare is more noble than she seems. For all their sakes.
As to the artistic appreciation, the author conveys the viewpoint very well. Confusion is executed perfectly, there's nothing out of place to pull me from the story, and the story hits fast and hard, as it should.
Score 10000: Flawless Victory. (And now to find Discord and beat him over the head for messing with Bestpony.)
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