The True and Ultimate Truth of True Events
Starring, Directed and Edited and Produced By General-Admiral Solomon Azure Raven Makarov
(Interviewer's Notes (Unicorn): Hey, give that back! We haven't even got past the title and you've got at least three things wrong!)
No, you have got it backwards: it is you idiots that have been wrong the ENTIRE TIME! You should be thankful I am finally able to correct your screw ups! And now for a true introduction! Ah, but I shall require fitting music, that describes me and is a suitable backing force for my triumphant introduction!
(Interviewer's Notes (Pegasus): 'Asshole' by Denis Leary?)
Fool, I am not a donkey! Aha, the national anthem, of course! The Hooviet March! You shall play this song as I enter!
Our Hooviet Empire subjugates the whole world
Like a gigantic Bear from the West
The ponies wander aimlessly, without any cause,
Yet the Hooviet Deer's on the hunt...
I am General-Admiral Solomon Azure Raven Makarov, Hero of the Hooviet Empire, Grand Marshall and Supreme Commander of the Imperial Armed Forces, and soon, Premier of the Empire and of All the World! Conqueror of All Nations, Defeater of the Gods and Destroyer of the Alicorns! The few of you who do not know of my glory and my fame - I am here to educate you.
And not before time! You have wasted months following the lies of the Equestrian propaganda machine. Now, the truth shall be free to... freely... be free!
The truth began thirty years ago, following our victory against the Dragons. We had suffered severe losses in our triumph, of course, and the Hooviet Council decided that they needed to create the perfect generals to ensure that the already-perfect army was to be led by the best - for even the best trained officer could make mistakes when handed power. No, what was needed was the perfect blend of fighter and leader, built, born, bred and trained for the role.
And the project was a success! Combining the magical strengths of otherwise inferior Unicorns with the natural leadership and other superior talents of the Roe Deer, the Zontik Biomagical Research Bureau's project codenamed "Les Enfants Splendide" created thirty superior soldiers. The greatest amongst them - Me! The project was a hundred percent successful, yet with I, it was a hundred and fifty percent successful!
(Interviewer's Notes (Pegasus): Fascinating...)
But of course. Why, you should have been talking to me from the start. This whole story should only ever speak to its hero, General-Admiral Makarov!
Pony POV Series
Shining Armor Arc
The Story of Makarov
Ha, I am not surprised Solomon is lying already. Of course, some are obvious, but others require context. He's correct the Hooviet leadership wanted supersoldiers... but they were desperate. They wanted generals powerful enough to rule by power and fear. And yes, they were dumb enough to think they could control them.
(Interviewer's Notes (Pegasus): Wait, what happened to the 'think like a Hooviet' thing?)
Mother Deer told us you three were safe and we could drop it for this.
(Interviewer's Notes (Pegasus): Oh...Continue.)
It's my understanding you know what should have happened. But for what did happen, well, it's close in all but the parts that matter. Solomon was telling the truth when he said the Zontik Bureau led the project for supersoldiers. He declines to mention that the projects were all centralised at Chernobull to ensure each was easy for them to inspect all at once.
Yes, I'm serious. They put their eggs in one basket out of sheer laziness. Supersoldiers, superweapons, advanced conventional weapons. No wonder spies were all over it. And Mother Deer help them if the supersoldiers HAD rebelled right there. The project was not "the splendid children" as he claims. It was officially just Project Hybrid. It had less flattering nicknames amongst the research teams. The terrible children, the abominations, the mistakes.
And even with him trying to claim otherwise, the project only bore thirty of a hundred. Their forced hybrids included species other than unicorns, even an attempt at a true Father Deer. That went wrong of course. Let's just say that it had too many of a lot of things, including bullet holes and dead bodies, but excluding things like sapience and sanity.
(Interviewer's Notes (Pegasus): Well, at least it's dead, I was afraid he'd make Shining have to fight it…)
And that was really the best result they should have had with the technology and magic that exists - even using surrogates like they did should have failed. They should have got nothing trying for lab-grown hybrids. There's only one method around that can successfully create hybrids right now.
(Interviewer's Notes (Earth Pony): An' what is it?)
Sexual intercourse, of course. Though personally I've yet to even see a unicorn remotely attractive enough to consider the prospect. And the natural method, as well as probably being much simpler, messier, and more fun for both involved, won't result in a super soldier any more than a Hippogriff or a Virgacorn is a supersoldier.
(Interviewer's Notes (Unicorn): Is it also the case that such cross-species relationships are prohibited?)
Yes. Violently so. He'll gloat about it at some point I'm sure.
The project, however, had other faults. They killed any females, and the non-Cervicorns all had severe genetic instabilities and died before the age of ten. And the ones they did have, well, they didn't end well either.
Oh, and one last thing about his lies there: He isn't a donkey, but he is a jackass.
...And that is how I won the national science fair aged three!
(Interviewer's Notes (Pegasus): That makes even less sense to us and we heard the story.)
(Interviewer's Notes (Pegasus): Nothing. Continue, Your Generalness? We'd really rather hear of your military... exploits, if we're honest.)
Excellent, you wish to hear the fun parts! As you will know, the Mosroe Hooviet Military Academy is the finest training establishment on the planet, and you will also know I am the youngest graduate! I left with a university-level education aged just sixteen! When Shining Armor was sixteen, he was a mere cadet! I trained longer and harder than any other soldier on the planet to reach where I was, four years of intense training, and ten years of self-education before that!
(Interviewer's Notes (Unicorn): But six years of official training... That's impressive!)
Okay, let's see, officers in Equestria technically train from age twelve, graduate at eighteen as officers. Six years. Oh, and other nations prefer officers with college or university educations so that counts technically. He's talking confirmable nonsense, as usual.
And Mosroe Hooviet is... Well, it's not exactly great compared to foreign academies. Too much by-the-book obedience was encouraged. Too much study of the previous tactics and planning to reuse them. The High Command wanted to encourage yes-bucks who stayed in line because then it was easy to take care of tall poppies, and easy to pluck out whichever officer they wanted to pretend to mentor and groom as a future colonel.
Indeed, it is most impressive. But this was just the start of a glittering career! Promoted straight to Captain-Lieutenant as part of Spetznaz, where I served with distinction for a year, until the sabotage disrupted the peace!
Feel honored! The information I am about to provide you with is highly classified! You should be most grateful I am willing to disclose it to you wretches!
(Interviewer's Notes (Pegasus): Oh thank you, your Generalness, for the exclusive information.)
Equestrian and Columbian propaganda says Chernobull exploded by our own folly, but the truth is that glorious facility was sabotaged! As the great Hooviet Empire was at the height of its progress, other nations looked upon us with envious eyes and sought to ruin our prosperity!
Chernobull tragically exploded, killing a great many noble scientists and soldiers! I cannot tell you the unspeakable sorrow I felt seeing the symbol of hope to our brave Empire destroyed before my eyes! But I bravely persevered and went about rescuing the personale!
But this blow to the glorious Empire would not go unpunished! The insidious perpetrators were discovered to be hiding in Krakozhia.
(Interviewer's Notes (Pegasus): Let me guess, by you?)
Of course! I discovered one of the terrorists fleeing the scene of the crime! I bravely captured him with my barehooves, even though he had a stolen Rhino Tank and interrogated him to get him to reveal the true location of the masterminds of this insidious plot!
We nobly mobilized our counter offensive and launched our invasion of Krakozhia. The campaign was hard fought and bloody, but in the end we were victorious, in no small part thanks to my efforts. Sadly, ten of my brave fellow hybrids fell in the act, but their sacrifice was not in vain and preserved the Greater Good! In the end, my exploits earned my promotion to Major-Captain!
Naturally we showed the Krakozhians mercy. Ungrateful swine responded with constant terrorist attacks and rebellions. But what would you expect from a bunch of savages?
About the only truth Solomon told there was that Chernobull exploded. To start, the majority of the Hooviet Empire didn't even know that Chernobull existed, which naturally makes it quite difficult for it to be a symbol of anything. And most of the surviving Hybrids in this line were rather unhappy with how they were treated there. I imagine that they secretly cheering to see the place where they'd spent much of their lives experimented on go up in flames.
As for ponies dying, he is telling the truth, naturally, but Solomon was more focused on looking heroic than actually acting the part. Not to mention the deer at Chernobull who are worse than dead because of the thing that would become him.
The Terrorists? Do I even need to answer that? Chernobull was desperately performing dangerous experiments involving unstable generators and enough munitions to fight a couple wars. It was a wonder it hadn't exploded sooner. I imagine the 'terrorist' was either one of the numerous spies that had infiltrated Chernobull or sprung into existence because Solomon needed a 'villain' to capture.
The real reason Krakozhia was invaded is quite simple: good old Hooviet imperialism. "Our Hooviet Empire subjugates the whole world" isn't a boast, it's a goal, and the explosion of Chernobull was merely their excuse to restart their conquests.
As for Solomon's 'noble war,' calling it a 'conflict' is being too generous. A massacre is the correct term. Solomon didn't lead a special forces team, he lead a death squad. True, ten of his fellow hybrids were killed and the Krakozhians did try to fight back, but in all likelihood, Solomon himself was responsible for their deaths. After all, Solomon wanted to be special, how could he be if there were others supposedly just like him?
Mercy? I would laugh if it weren't such a cruel joke. The Krakozhians were conquered, subjected, and made into scapegoats. Anything that went wrong could be blamed on the 'known terrorists.' Mercy isn't in Solomon's vocabulary.
And that is how I became Mr. Hooviet Empire for the fifth consecutive time!
(Interviewer's Notes (Pegasus): I wish we could unsee those pictures of you in tights...)
Yes, they could have done a much better job capturing my stunning body. But it is hard to capture perfection, after all.
Now we move to my glorious rise to power truly beginning! At aged eighteen I was made head of a security detail as we began rising from the ashes of Chernobull. There I met my mentor, the distingished Lieutenant-General Yevgeny Borisovitch Volgin. The Lieutenant-General was at the forefront of our weapons development programs. It was he who inspired my wonderful Shagohods, though I naturally immensely improved on his designs. I learned much from him, including my incredible mastery of thunder!
(Interviewer's Notes (Pegasus): Then why didn't you use it when Thunderchild fried you in Columbia?)
That was another of my amazing robots, my designers merely forgot to install the lightning redirector! It is their fault and they have been properly punished!
(Interviewer's Notes (Pegasus): Then why didn't it short circuit and explode if a gun could shoot the head off-)
Silence! You are ruining my train of thought, wretch!
(Interviewer's Notes (Unicorn): Please continue, General-Admiral. You were talking about your mentor.)
Gladly. Volgin rightfully believed our weapons development should be at the forefront of the Hooviet Empire's efforts, as did Major-General Admiral Dragovich and Colonel-Captain Kravcehnko, two smug and arrogant officers. They believed they were smarter than me, or Volgin! Perish the thought! Their ideas were all absurd and pointless things, but they believed they were the future of the Hooviet Empire. Needless to say, myself and Volgin outshined them, as we rightfully should!
This would eventually push them to desperation, and they perished from their own arrogance when their dangerous inventions backfired upon them.
Mr. Hooviet Empire? Sadly, that actually happened. Don't forget, Solomon can make others admire him despite all logic and say 'I am stronger than you' to anyone not protected from his power. If you think the pictures are bad, you should see the calender photos.
(Interviewer's Notes (Pegasus): Which month?)
All of them.
(Interviewer's Notes (Pegasus): ...Even the swimsuit pictures?)
(Interviewer's Notes (Earth Pony): This is why everypony should just go around naked!)
(Interviewer's Notes (Pegasus): ...His ego is the size of the Hooviet Empire.)
You're only realizing this now? As for the rest, he is naturally lying about Columbia, or at least when it happened it was truly him and now it wasn't. Volgin was indeed Solomon's 'mentor' as he put it, but Volgin was an insane lunatic while Dragovich and Kravcehnko were rather sensible bucks. Well, as sensible as two Hooviet officials attempting to build weapons of mass destruction could be. Their ideas were more practical and made more sense than Volgin's. They included poison gas.
(Interviewer's Notes (Unicorn): You mean…)
Yes, Solomon stole their ideas and made them even more heinous. I said they were more practical, not that they were less vicious. Volgin inspired Solomon's tripods in name only, his own version was a massive tank that used screw propulsion. This means in place of treads, it has two large screws that revolved to make it move forwards. This turned out to be considerably less practical than simple treads, particularly with the massive weapons it was equipped with.
As for the 'accident' that claimed their lives, they perished when their gas weapons sprung a leak during a demonstration, killing not only them but either killing or injuring many others, including several of his fellow hybrids. Considering he desired their plans to be his own, you can assume what truly happened.
...and that is how I became a the youngest Sambo Uchitel in history!
(Interviewer's Notes (Pegasus): We'll take your word for it. We don't know much about Sambo...and you probably know even less.)
What was that?
(Interviewer's Notes (Unicorn): Nothing.)
I began taking part in covert op opperations. Infernal terrorists such as those who Shining Armor had allied with were a thorn in the Empire's side even back then! My early missions were tracking down and destroying these dogs wherever such evils may hide!
In the process, I uncovered a nest of monsters! Insectoid freaks who dared masquerade as normal species! They were quickly exterminated with my brilliant gas weapons I devised! They never saw it coming!
(Interviewer's Notes (Pegasus): Wait…)
But there was no time to celebrate, as there was another attack by terrorists, this time on our own facility! But thankfully, I was head of the guard detail this time! The attack was stopped in it's tracks by my brilliance! I was even able to work alongside with Dragovich and Kravcehnko during the onslaught!
(Interviewer's Notes (Pegasus): Uh. Weren't they dead?)
No you, fools! They were not dead yet!
(Interviewer's Notes (Pegasus): Well it sounded lik-)
Now, where was I?! Oh yes! I was rewarded for humbly and nobly putting aside our differences and working together to save the facility!
(Interviewer's Notes (Pegasus): Do you have a thesaurus?)
No, why do you ask?
(Interviewer's Notes (Pegasus): You're running out of new words to call yourself awesome with.)
Ah! Good point. There can never be enough words for that purpose!
I take it Solomon is becoming annoying.
(Interviewer's Notes (Pegasus): How'd you tell?)
It appears you've been beating your head against a wall recently. Solomon tends to have that effect on anyone who can see through his spell.
Solomon's claim of becoming a Sambo Uchitel anywhere near his teen years would be an impossibility for anyone else. Sambo ranking revolves around competition, not just training. For example, to become a Grand Master, one rank below that, he would need to be a multiple time world champion. And a Uchitel? You need to train others in Sambo to at least a Grand Master rank.
As for the 'terrorists,' those existed, but they weren't us, they were Drumstrang rebels. The Hooviets are tyrants, it is only natural for rebellions to rise up. Sadly, Solomon tells the truth that he tried crushing the rebellions. While he couldn't permanently stamp out all rebellion (in part thanks to Mother Deer's protection to groups such as us), at the time there was little to stop him. All that could be done was inconvenience him until Captain Sparkle entered the picture. As he did when I shot him, any actual attempt to kill Solomon only hit a robotic version of himself, if they get that far.
A nest of monsters? I have no idea what he could be talking about. Likely some freaks of nature he conjured into existence himself just to make it sound more exciting.
(Interviewer’s Notes (Unicorn): Except it makes absolutely no sense. Not from reality nor from himself. If they really were something he had made up, he would have spent forever listening to himself speak about how they were clearly a danger to the world and he had valiantly obliterated such an ‘evil threat.’ He spoke of them like a triviality, an after thought, something that wasn’t worth even a full paragraph of his time. In other words, something that wasn’t related to him. He spoke about it like it was some brush-off fact, something tacked on, or something he had wanted to be just ‘tacked on,’ rather than a part of his narrative. It would be something he WANTED to be trivialized. The question is why?)
His ego is the most likely reason. But I can tell you this much, he didn’t have any poison gas with him at that time, or at least when he was there for real, not that that matters much to him. And the spot he mentioned? It was declared off limits to EVERYDEER, we assumed it was one of his projects, but our spies never came back. But it didn't have his normal 'Oh look! Something really important! But don't look at it!' style but more 'Don't you DARE come near here or else!' The only time he drops his theatrics is when he gets angry, and the only time he's geniunely angry is when he got himself humiliated.
The second terrorist attack also happened, but 'working with those two consisted of 'mentally force them to bow to his orders so he can look amazing.'
"It's so sad," Bon Bon said.
"Yes so sad," Lyra replied. "That Moth had to die from gas."
"Wish I could hear her voice again," Bon Bon sighed.
Moth was worried she was dead. She felt her pulse, she felt hot, cold, scared. If this was death, then where was Queen Rosedust to welcome her into joining the collective-mind of the eternal swarm? Or why wasn't she standing before the Queens of old in judgement for her life's contribution to the hive?
Bon-Bon and Lyra went back to their cooking, having no idea why they had suddenly brought up Moth's death tragic death by gas. Gas? What gas? What gas had ever been- MOth died from gas!@!! - yes, Moth died from gas. It was so sad.
(Interviewer's Notes (Earth Pony): But, this didn't happen before.)
(Interviewer's Notes (Unicorn): It's happening now.)
How does 'my incomprehensible intellect' sound?
(Interviewer's Notes (Pegasus): Peachy, now please move on.)
Gladly. The civil war in Kundu soon erupted once again and the Hooviet Empire was happy intervene. I served with distinguished service and we managed to buy peace where all others failed! Only the glorious Hooviet Empire could perform such an amazing feat!
It was in no small part due to my amazing talents as a leader and my combat skills that saw much use in quelling such a long, bloody war! I was unstoppable on the battlefield! None could match my incredible fighting skills! Any who challenged me were crushed beneath my hooves!
But my diplomatic skills were even more important, as this was undeniably a peace keeping mission. With my brilliance, the Hooviet Empire soon secured not only peace, but the favor of the Kundu government!
'Incomprehensible intellect?' Well, his thought process is certainly impossible to comprehend, but that's more due to it coming from dozens of stolen consciencenesses than actually being intelligent.
Kundu? The Columbians and Equestrians actually had peacekeeping efforts well in hoof at the time, the Hooviets were the ones who set off tensions again to begin with, and Solomon himself was right at front of it.
While there would still have been violence without Solomon, it is quite likely that the war would've ended far earlier without his existence. Not only that, thanks to Hooviet intervention, the the New World Order party came to power in the end.
(Interviewer's Notes (Pegasus): And they literally tore the democratic government to pieces?)
Correct, how did you know?
(Interviewer's Notes (Pegasus): A pony in Shining's group lost some penpals there.)
Ah, I see. Minority control parties are weakened and splitered into no threat to the government. And any threatening opposing faction springs up outside the government begins growing powerful and unifying force? They make them a scapegoat for the lesser groups to tear apart and keep their hooves clean.
But as for his diplomatic skills? Well, he DID stop the war...when it suited him. As you can assume, Solomon could've used his powers to stop it at any time. I assume he stopped it because only being involved in one or two conflicts in his entire career wouldn't be 'illustrious' enough for his ego.
...and that how to properly remove a unicorn's horn to use as a power supply.
(Interviewer's Notes (Pegasus): T-Thanks...Please, move on…)
Hehe, what is wrong? You appear to have seen a ghost. Or are you jealous your inferior race lacks the same utility to my regime?
(Interviewer's Notes (Unicorn): Its nothing General, please stop allowing us to distract the readers from your greatness.)
Ah, yes, must not allow that, can we? It was not long until a dragon, bitter at his species loss to us, dared launch an onslaught on Hooviet soil!
In accordance with her treaties, Queen Tiamat had no choice but to allow me to lead a group to repel the rogue beast! Our Mammoth Tanks were yet to be field tested so I had no choice but to lead an outgunned force against insurmountable odds! Taking on a moving mountain of flesh and bone with weapons that could do little more than tickle the titan! But in the end, my brilliant tactics and immense power forced the beast into retreat! I personally dealt the final blow with a beam of pure magic that it could do nothing against!
However, I did spare the dumb beast's life. An act of unheard of mercy to such an enemy. Especially when I was the sole survivor on my side of the battle!
I don't blame you for being so disturbed, the process is quite horrifying to witness.
As for the dragon, that did happen and Tiamat's treaty does state that if her children attack unprovoked, the target may defend themselves. But I imagine the dragon either didn't previously exist or was being influenced by Solomon's powers. I assume you already know that the dragons won the original war, correct?
(Interviewer's Notes (Earth Pony): Shining explained it pretty well!)
Good. So I don't need to go over the details. But the point is a Dragon wouldn't be bitter over a war they won. Though I can't say one might not be upset at having lost a family member or friend die in the war. Still it is unlikely one would have attacked the Hooviets that long after the war. Especially after Tiamat already declared the war was done.
As for him being the one to repel the dragon, that is partly true. Solomon did lead the group into the battle, but his 'tactics' consisted of sending his entire force at the dragon head on and allowing them to both wear it down and be wiped out so he could end the battle himself and take all the credit as his own.
Also, the Mammoth Tanks could likely have been made available easily, but it wouldn't make Makarov look as impressive if he didn't do it personally, could he?
It is about this time that Dragovich and Kravchenko met their untimely ends by their own irresponsible experiments. Sadly it also cut the careers and lives of many of my fellow hybrids who were maimed by the accident as well. I was able to put aside my rivarly to humbly attend their funerals and deliver a stirring speech.
Though I will admit that it was not entirely their fault. We discovered sinister spies from Ruritania were involved in sabotage of the experiment! There I commanded the 667th Shock Fleet-Army in yet another stunning campaign!
But tragically, more and more of my fellow hybrids met their demise at the hooves of insidious Ponisan assassins! But they could not harm ME! Seven of them tried at once but did not so much as draw blood! I crushed them with the effort you would crush a fly and left them broken on a battlefield!
For my valor and amazing exploits, I was promoted to Colonel-Captain after the war!
Unfortunately, with the deaths of so many of my fellow hybrids, only two remained! Myself and the only other cervicorn that ever managed to come close to my greatness, Yeretik!
But sadly, not everydeer can handle greatness! Yeretik grew power hungry, violent, and bitter as my star rose brighter and brighter! He joined in a group of terrorists in an attempt to undermine the Hooviet Government!
His treachery was only discovered when we were both Lieutenant Colonel-Captain and the stage was set for a spectacular showdown!
He begain by striking down my entire squad with one devastating spell! But I had no time to mourn their death! Even with their blood running freely at my hooves, I tried to plead with the only one who came close to resembling my perfection! But sadly, they fell on deaf ears and we clashed fiercely, devastating the surrounding area with our almighty power!
But in the end, I stood victorious and ran Yeretik through with my antlars! I did recieve minor burns in the struggle, but it is to be expected when two mighty foes meet!
(Interviewer's Notes (Pegasus): Having a few singe marks doesn't mean you're not a Mare-ty Stu…)
What was that?
(Interviewer's Notes (Unicorn): Nothing…Continue)
Volgin remained my mentor throughout all of this, becoming Supreme Marshal of the Hooviet Empire, but it was not to last. He was tragically taken from me. He died of a sudden heart attack shortly after retiring and bequeething the position of Supreme Marshal! On orders from Father Deer, he was given a full state funeral with honors, organized by me of course. I even presided over the event myself.
We covered Dragovich and Kravchenko earlier, to my knowledge he hasn't changed that story from what I've already stated. I'm honestly impressed he actually got the date correct instead of moving their deaths back in time to make up for his slip up.
As for Ruritania, it was much the same story as Krakozhia: making the target of their expansionist ideology a scapegoat for a product of Hooviet stupidity or Solomon's manipulations to justify their invasion.
The assassins? Well, they COULD have been real, the Hooviets were never exactly popular world wide. But Ponisa always denied involvement. But considering Solomon wanted to be unique and can bend reality to his whims, you can guess what I think actually happened.
Yeretik? There is a name I haven't heard in a long time. Yeretik was indeed the last surviving hybrid after Solomon, but he wasn't a terrorist anymore than I was. He was my predecessor so to speak. He did have Mother Deer's blessing to protect himself from Solomon's control, but Captain Sparkle is still the only one who stands a chance of defeating Solomon in a fight. Yeretik was a good buck, but he wasn't able to stop Solomon.
As for Volgin's heart attack and speedy burial: Solomon can't be the big guy on top with someone above him, now can he?
And that's the process by which my Alicorn Cyborgs were created...My, you three look a little sick to your stomachs. Did I disturb you?
(Interviewer's Notes (Earth Pony): A-A little…)
Too bad. Now that I have told you my past, it is time I tell you what is coming nex-
(Interviewer's Notes (Unicorn): Actually, if you don't mind, could you tell us about your family a little? You haven't told us much about them.)
Oh yes, my loving family! Forgive me, it is all so very tragic!
(Interviewer's Notes (Pegasus): What? That you have to admit an 'inferior unicorn' is your mother?)
No. I was conceived via in-vitro fertilization! The unicorn was little more than my egg doner! And even then, it was a SUPERIOR inferior unicorn!
(Interviewer's Notes (Pegasus): ...Please excuse me for a second. I'm going to step into the hallway and scream.)
Ah, overcome by my brilliance, that happens all the time. Now where was I? Oh yes. My TRUE mother was a noble Roe Deer, as was my father! My father was also a great member of the Hooviet armed forces and descendant of the royal house of Makarov!! It is only natural that to breed a great leader you choose one to be the father! As for my mother, she was a brilliant scientist and one of the Hooviet Empire's tactical minds! On both sides I am filled with noble blood of great Hooviets!
(Interviewer's Notes (Unicorn): Technically speaking, you don't have any of your mother's genes, since your egg came from a unicorn and not her.)
SILENCE! Do not mock my glorious mother!
(Interviewer's Notes (Unicorn): I wasn't, I was only saying that-)
My mother fell ill and died a few years later, before I could even know her! Tragically cut down by illness! I cannot tell you the tragedy I felt when she passed away!
But I was not alone any longer! My younger brother was born shortly before our mother's unfortunate demise! We grew closer and closer to both one another and our father. I could have been a vain and selfish deer and blamed him for our mother's death on him, but I am humble Cervicorn who would never think to do such a thing!
My brother was the result of another Hooviet Project: Selective Breeding! He became a true soldier as he grew older! He was fiercely loyal to the Hooviet Empire! A true patriot! And while not nearly as smart as me, a brilliant tactical mind. He was a wonderful right hoof to my intellect. He would become an agent of the GRU later in life.
I loved my brother dearly and he idolized me! I was his hero! As I should be! I was a fantistic older brother! No one could ask for a better one than me!
Sadly, shortly after Ruritania, our family lost another member in our father. His only regret is that he did not fall in glorious battle!
It was not the last tragedy our family would suffer! While infiltrating Yeretik's insidious band, he was sadly discovered and murdered! I personally avenged his death by executing his murderers with my own two hooves!
It was no easy task to move on! I had lost all the family I had ever known. You cannot imagine the suffering I experienced! It was the most horrible thing you could ever imagine! You my tears were like rivers! But I moved on and continued to rise like the star I have always been!
So that's the story he's using now?
(Interviewer's Notes (Pegasus): Now?)
Yes, he has around thirty five at last count. Number ten is actually somewhat tolerable.
(Interviewers Notes (Earth Pony): What is it?)
It involves dragons, a lost treasure, and three helicopters. Or five helicopters, depends on his mood.
(Interviewer's Notes (Unicorn): How so?)
In the one with three helicopters he's outnumbered and looks more impressive.
(Interviewer's Notes (Unicorn): Wait...didn't his parents die in separate places?)
Not in Solomon's imagination most of the time. The one I remember most is claiming Equestrians murdered them. The actual story is that he needed a tragic back story for sympathy, so he had them both covertly murdered.
(Interviewers Notes (Unicorn): He...he murdered his own parents?)
You're right to be horrified, but don't forget that the thing that calls itself Solomon was just using them to progress its own 'story.' They meant nothing to it, no more than a child's toys mean to them.
Their names were Rasputin and Anastasia Makarov, and they were more or less as he said they were, but Anastasia wasn't given the credit her intelligence deserved. The Hooviets are patriarchal, so to his credit, Solomon has given her more credit than history actually did.
As for his brother...I am afraid that is classified information, even for you. But I will say this much. That isn't how he died.
So, now it is time to find out how this story will end.
(Interviewer's Notes (Earth Pony): You don't know that.)
Hehe, but I do. Because there is no other way for it TO end. My incredible brilliance can not be defeated! My army cannot fall! My great warship Daedalus is invincible! The world will be mine! All mine!
(Interviewer's Notes (Pegasus): Drop the act, 'Makarov.' We know everything about what you really are.)
Really? Hehe...Then I guess I can indulge you a little.
(Interviewer's Notes (Pegasus): Uh...did he always have sharp teeth?)
I am about to write MY ending for this story. Tell me, what is the one thing that stands in my way right now?
(Interviewer's Notes (Pegasus): Shining Armor.)
Exactly. And soon, even he will not be able to resist me! And he will play his role perfectly. No more delusions of being the hero. He will be MY villain, my final foe! And when he lays bleeding and crushed to death beneath my hooves, this story will be mine, now and forever!
Now...this conversation has made me a little hungry. Please excuse me while I go get a...bite to eat.